To Be or Not...

If I really let go, I would remove the word responsibility and everything associated with it from my vocabulary, and then the sh!t would hit the fan because I am bound to completely piss someone off because I didn't do something. The last 7 days, not inluding today) have been the free-ist days of my life. I don't remember childhood enough to know if those were truly the free-ist. Anyway, there has been minimal (almost no) spoken expectations of me except to be ok. I woke up each day at the mercy of will and his sidekick destiny. It was literally walking into the unknown or sometimes even sitting in it. I hung out, but there was no pressure (at least none towards me..hopefully everyone feels the same way minus maybe 1 particular day) to go or do anything in particular. Well, the reality of the sh!t hitting the fan statement above slammed smack dab in my face this morning.

This past Wednesday, I saw a friend at the gas station. We chatted about a few misc topics, and then she asked what I was doing on Sat. I said ...who knows...she said...we need some help... and next thing I know, I have committed myself to volunteer. BTW, that simple statement of yeah, I'n free turned into almost 8 hours of volunteer work. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoy helping others. I think it hit me bad this mornimg because I was up until 4, and had to be there at 7:30. At 6:55, I had an internal debate. It went a little like this... Why do I have to go? What happens if I don't go? Do they really need me? Why do I feel like I have to go? Why wouldn't I go? Regina, get your lazy bum up and fulfill your obligations. Later, at the registation table, I thought that conversation was utterly ridiculous. Is obligation an equivalent way of saying that I am only doing this because I have to? I don't know, but I realized that I don't want any obligations. I want to just be and do the things I enjoy. No check ups, timesheets, or calendar dates... I just want to be. Unfortunately, I'm almost possible that there will always be some type of responsibility/obligation associated with my life no matter what type of changes I make. The goal is to decide what kind of responsibilities/obligations I want and/or don't want and go from there.

Since I'm not letting go, I have a few more days to be completely free (or as close to that as possible), and I plan to enjoy every free minute.

Reel Moments

Free Willy
TBA

To Upload or Not...

If I really let go, I would upload all my previous journal entries onto the internet in order to begin journaling online, and then the sh!t would hit the fan because recently I have been writing the whole truth and it ain't always pretty. When I started journaling a year ago... Well, let me go back in time to my first encounters with journaling first. I journaled as a kid (not sure what ages) off and on. I recently found a journal in the pile of stuff holding my wall hostage, and the writing just baffled me. The things that I talked about seemed to be life or death as I reading through it. So and so said that she would come over for the weekend and we could hang out, but I really wanted to go to the mall with so and so. This teacher told me I was her favorite and now some of the people in the class are not talking to me... It's not like I asked her to be her favorite. So and so asked me to borrow a pencil and he had one. Boys are so stupid. he is kind of cute, but he is not my type. I'm sure there have been more journals before last year, but I do not have them. I did find some letters (snail mail) that were sent to me from guys and girls. I don't have what I wrote them, but I can kind of tell based on what they wrote me. The typical how is life, I love you this, I'm mad about this, keep your head up this, blah - blah - blah. I can't remember doing any reflective writing in undergrad or grad school that wasn't a part of an assignment. I guess I was too busy living and not taking time to chill out for a moment and experience my experiences.

Anyway, that brings me up to date.. Well, to last year at least. I had been thinking about writing for a while... I blogged about it a little last summer, but didn't go in depth. I searched and searched for a journal that I felt connected to (IDK, I just knew when I found it), and then I didn't write in it forever and a day (about a month and a half). I was doing the blog competition, but was definitely filtering my thoughts. When I started writing, I just wrote. No real thought about what... I started each post with the date, time began and time finished...oh, and a few girly looking swirly flowers to signify the end of the entry. I have written off an on for about a year now. Some weeks I wrote a lot and some I didn't write at all. In the fall, I set a goal to go back and read at least 4 entries a month to reevaluate my thoughts. you wouldn't believe the change that has occurred in just one month. I went from writing just to write with quite a few ommissions in each post to writing my true thoughts about self, people in my life, growth, failure, future, and so much more with almost no omissions. There are still things that I have not put on paper. I hope to do that one day, but the things that I have put on paper are pretty serious business. Some about me and some about others. I think one of the main things I notice is the concept of honesty throughout the entries. What it means to me, and what I assume it means to others. It is really bizarre or surreal to read what I was thinking one year, 6 months, 1 month ago. Some of it I still feel 100% and other thoughts make me think What the crap... I think that is the beauty of writing...that you can look back and see the change or non-change in yourself, in your beliefs, in your aspirations.

Since, I'm not letting go, I will not upload my past journal entries onto any blog site, but I might start journaling online. There may be a few omissions, but if I do it...It will be from the heart. I may do it here or I may create a false identity and let it all hang out. Who knows?


~Reel Moments~

I've used this movie before, but it relates to this post...

Julia and Julie

Julie Powell: "Nowadays anyone with a crap laptop and an Internet connection can sound their barbaric yawp, whatever it may be."

Blog of Note Shout Out

So, I'm sitting on my couch (tooth spasm is gone, but occasionally gives me a little nudge to be sure I know it is still there), and I was debating between the net, some jewelry making, a movie, and some reading. Internet then reading it is. No extra comments on any challenger page, nothing exciting on facebook, a few interesting emails, and 1 funny video later... I decide to browse for some new reading material.

15 minutes later, I find The world from my window on the blogs of note tab. I read the most recent entry and proceed to follow a link. I was expecting a picture, but it was a post...no, it is a hilarious post...no, it is a hilarious post by a English woman...that talks about getting granola stuck up your... Ok, ok, I'll let you read it. I can't link right now, so look to the right and find her blog or go to blogs of note.

I hope you find it as entertaining as I did.

To Pull or Not...

If I really let go, I would drink a whole bottle me Ny Quil - wait 30 minutes - and them pull my bottom right wisdom tooth out with a wrench, and then the sh!t would hit the fan because... I don't even need to explain why. This wisdom tooth became a rogue tooth over a year ago. It would hurt for 2 or 3 days and then be good for 3 or 4 months. About 8 months ago, the butthole decides that it wasn't going to stop hurting. I scheduled a dentiss appt in early december and decided to wait until after the holidays. I had been taking advil for the last couple of months and it was controlling the pain. Dumb Regina... Sweets, sweets, and multiple spasms is what i dealt with over the break. I came back determined to go to the dentist. I either couldn't fine a dentist that took my insurance or couldn't get an appt until may (should have taken it).

So... I went to this out patient clinic on a sat to get some pain meds before I resorted to burying myself alive. The pain was unbearable. The meds were great. They became a part of my daily routine...and 30 days later, I go to get a pill and only 1 remains with a 0 on the bottle for refills. What the crap? Back to Advil. That brings me to today, shortly after a mini spasm from drinking a Diet Coke. I'm at my wits end. It has got to come out or I might become violent.

Since I'm not letting go, there will be no self-imposed tooth pulling, but there will be a mad dash for an emergency room or something in the a.m.

Reel Moments

Terms of Endearment
Aurura: My daughter is in pain... Give my daughter the shot.

To Throw or Not...

If I really let go, I would take all the packed up boxes, suitcases, bags, and misc. other container-type things that are lined up along the wall in my supposed to be dining room/coffee lounge and throw it all in the trash, and then the sh!t would it the fan, because I will inevitably need something from in one of the boxes as soon as the trash is picked up. Now, i don't consider myself a packrat or a hoarder, but I am very motivated to leave that crap where it is at. Not because I want it, but because I don't know if I want it. I guess that could put me in one of the categories, but I'm not claiming either title. I'm sure i'd find yearbooks, love letters, pictures i've drawn, pictures i,ve taken, random school supplies, old cell phones, recipes, coloring books, sorority stuff, bills, ink cartridges, toys, crafting stuff, and other things that signify select pieces of my life. I could probably legitimately get rid of 90% of it and not be affected. It is the other 10% that keeps my wall held hostage. It is also a little bit of... I live alone and it isn't bothering anyone syndrome. I can do it later.

That statement has apparently been my unknown motto for the last 2 years. Do it later...It's crazy though because everything I've been putting on hold will ultimately make life just a little bit better. Anyway, back to the mess. Yes. it may take me an entire weekend to really go through the pile of unorganized madness, but to then it will be gone and I can put an oversized chair, my fav books, magazines, and candles there in order to bring a mini resort-style lounge into my home. Actually, it would be smaller than mini... I'll call it cozy. The area is also next to the kitchen for quick snack grabbing.

Well, since I'm not letting go, the pile of madness will continue to hold my wall hostage until....

Reel Moments

Maid in Manhattan

Christopher Marshall: Well, I don't think you're leaving. I think you're running. And what I can't figure out is, are you running towards something you want? Or are you running away from something you're afraid to want?

To take or Not...

If I really let go, I would take the next 6 months to do the most wonderful and ridiculous things I could think of, and the sh!t would hit the fan because I would ignore all my responsibilities. What is the use of taking the time off if you aren't really free to do whatever. I would travel to different countries and immerse myself in their culture, audition for some reality shows, do some extreme sports, find the best coffee shops and bookstores around the globe, see some broadway shows and concerts, take time to do some creative arts, attend am award show, skydive (maybe), learn how to spit fire, and talk to someone about creating last names.

How often do we really take time for ourselves? I'm talking about i dom't have time for anbody else, if you ask me again..., this is not about you - it is about me time. I take some, but it is so sporadic that it doesn't do what it is supposed to do - different for each person. For me, it would be time to process, chill, possibly plan, and almost drown myself in happiness. I Don't know what it would feel like to take that much time to do nothing and everything. It seems like the chance of a lifetime.

Since I'm not letting go.... hmmm... maybe, just maybe I will.

Reel Moments

Is there ever a good time, or will we wait forever?

Waiting to Exhale

Marvin: I would love to, but I have so much to do around here. Maybe some other time.

I accidentally let go.. Da^n it...

Story of a quick run to publix gone bad...

I went to return Sherlock Holmes to the blockbuster kiosk (Thanks Mer - BB, it took you long enough to catch on). Blockbuster kiosk is 2 seconds from the scratch off machine. Hmmm... No cash. Go buy something and get cash back. Something ended up being croissants and Ghiradelli semi-sweet chocolate morsels. Breakfast will be great. Go to check out. Quick stop for 2 $2 lotteria tickets and 1 $1 stacks of cash ticket.

Home - a little internet action... hmmm, sweet tooth kicks in. Thought - make half of the chocolate croissants tonight. Eat 1 and save the rest.

3 1/2 croissants and -$5 later, I'm thinking... What the crap?

To bond or Not...

If I were to really let go, I would immerse myself in nature for the sole purpose of rejuvenation, and them the Sh!t would hit the fan because I am almost deathly afraid of it. It being the things that come with buddying up to our good ole pal, nature. Cabins, climbing mountains, camping, and going on survivor are all things that people have done in an effort to clear their minds and become one with the earth.

I get it... I really do, but the idea of potentially getting stuck in either situation freaks me out. Dealing with bears, bugs, out houses, canteens, heavy backpacks, sweaty pits, packaged food, and bruised limbs among other things is a huge sacrifice all for rejuvenation. I know there are other ways that people suggest, but bonding with nature is supposed to be the ultimate way. I would be more than happy to go to a spa and pamper myself... But people apparently do that to clear their minds not to process the things on their minds... Or do they. Really and truly, I don't think you need to go anywhere except truly in your head to process. A far away location is just an added bonus, unless you decide halfway through that you aren't ready to process... and you're only halfway up the mountain.

So, since I'm not letting go, I'm not going to climb Kilimanjaro... Instead, I'm going to drink plenty of white chocolate mocha latte's and read about other people climbing it.

~Reel Moments~

Into the Wild
Christopher McCandless: No man, Alaska, Alaska. I'm gonna be all the way out there, all the f-ing way out there. Just on my own, you know. No f-ing watch, no map, no axe, no nothing. Just be out there in it. You know, big mountains, rivers, sky, game. Just be out there in it, you know? In the wild.

To share or Not...

If I were to really let go, I would share food with others, and then the sh!t would hit the fan because i would immediately begin to gag and possibly even projectile vomit as someone shuffled around the bag for that special chip, double dipped in the mexican cheese dip because the chip was too big, bit my hamburger leaving a cheese-like strand of saliva hanging from the bun, or misplaced a miniscule piece of bread into my delightful sweet tea. The people that know me know that I have a slight problem with germs. I see it as a very healthy assessment of sanitary food etiquette. It is not a huge deal... I will get what I need first, order my own, or do something else. I very rarely share food and I am usually the distributer when i do. I'm not sure where it came from (my entire family will basically share anything), but it is a part of me.

In an effort to reevaluate different aspects of me, i decided to try to ease up on the germ sensitivity and ask friends if they wanted to taste my items. I was really freaked out when someone said yes, but tried to play it cool. There will never be any sharing of straws or eating utensils, but i did let one person drink out of the glass (I was using a straw). The next day, I shared chips and salsa. I am pretty sure that I am done reevaluating.

Just so we are clear, sharing with ANYONE is too much for me. I don't necessarily think that people are dirty, but it just does something to me. I have a very reactive and fairly weak stomach. The thought of backwash, leftover food, dirt from touching something, fecal matter from not washing hands, or some other type of unsanitary item possibly mixing into/around my food creates the biggest volcanic eruption in my stomach..... so I stay away from sharing for the most part.

I gave it a try, but the benefits of sharing do not outweigh the volcanic eruptions.

So, since I'm not letting go... we shall resume with the regularly scheduled program....Regina's fear of the unknown food monsters.

Reel Moments

Ratatouille

Remy: I don't constantly want to wash my paws. Did you ever think about how we walk on the same paws that we handle our food with? You ever think about what we put in our mouths?