#Pastdemons

A student walked into my office and said "it's time for our daily therapy session." Keep in mind I've been in office at my new job for a grand total of 9 days. We've had some conversations, but nothing that I would consider a therapy session. That's beside the point though.

Conversation started pretty mild. I was asked about my weekend, what I was doing for the holiday break, where home was, why my home state had so many S's, and if I'd found a place to stay yet. I asked generally the same questions and went on to ask about how he came to be at UTA. That led to him talking about how he wasn't "big" on school until his brother gave him the talk... He clarified that it was not the same as the birds and the bees talk. We both giggled.

He talked about independence and change and how hard it is when you're faced with both at the same time... (I'm paraphrasing) He talked about wanting to be independent and persistent enough to conquer his fears (graduating, living alone,making his own momey) and achieve his goals.. However, he broke up with his first and only girlfriend (2 years) right before coming to college and that didn't help the situation.

He's involved on campus, but doesn't fit what he sees as the stereotypes for his organizations. He does what he needs to and then goes home. This is where the bigger issue comes into play. No girlfriend, few friends, roommates have girlfriends, and tons of free time. He's lonely. He says he doesn't know how to stop feeling like he's missing out. ....And then there's quiet. And more quiet.... He asks if there is a way to to get rid of that feeling. If he could just push it out of his mind and forget that's what it feels like to not have...her. Ok, wow. Yes, I have a background in psychology/counseling, but I'm supposed to steer clear of counseling in my current position. That's why we have counseling centers. I did give my 2 cents on counseling not being for "crazy people" and instead providing people with an opportunity to spill all with mo judgement. There's more to it, but the counselors can explain how it works.

I asked him if there was anything from his past that he had pushed out of his mind, but not necessarily dealt with it. His response was how do you know when something from your past is affecting something in your future. A question many people, young and old, struggle with.

I told him that there was no formula for that as far as I know and I do my best to deal with things as they come up by talking, journaling, blogging, reading, living,praying, and mainly just being content with me. There was a time way back when I didn't know how to be ok with just me because I didn't really know that I was supposed to be. It didn't take much time for me to realize that waiting for someone was not always the answer. It started with movies for me. That's how I initially found my true independence. I would wait for my friends InHigh school to say they could go or they had money and I ended up waiting forever. Sometimes missing the movie in theaters period. It wasn't until college that I said flip it and started going on my own. After that, no situation made me feel lonely. Lonliness comes from within and I chose to not let it take over because there would always be a time when someone was too busy, or I was single, or some other situation would present itself where I was physically alone, but that didn't mean I had to feel emotionally alone. It took a minute for me to get there, but once I did, there was no going back.

I sat there listening to this intelligent, handsome, energetic, young man tell me that labels are defining him and choosing the course of his life and he wasn't sure how to take the wheel back. Sure.. It's common for students to have a difficult time figuring out the whole development/ independence/adult thing, but there was just something about this conversation that threw me. I wanted to help him discover the greatness of being great with self. It was different from my usual desire to help someone move forward. Unfortunately, I know I can't do that for him. What I can do is talk about happiness and loving life and modeling what that looks likes. I also plan to get him connected with some male role models when I get to know more people.

We could have talked forever, but I had to go upstairs to get added to some bank accounts. Talk about bad timing for something only mildly important.

"The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself." - Mark Twain

Next Chapter... Nothing but happiness!

As I sit here in my borrowed living quarters listening to the Buble station on my Pandora phone app, sort of watching Practical Magic on my muted tv, typing on my Ipad compliments of my job, I think "man, life really has given me a run for my money this year, but I've come out on top yet again.." I'm glad to be standing on my own two feet, although I've definitely had enough support to get here. In general, I'm a pretty tough cookie. I think the good Lord created me to handle evereything that has happened to me, and I truly thank him for that. I think life would have taken me out in May had I not been who I am.

In no particular order, my year has consisted of gaining 15 lbs, 2 good crying spells, 11 states including Alaska, countless laughs with friends and family, many days of boredom, responsibility of a parent, heated debates with loved ones about love and other drugs, conversations with estranged family members, 2 jobs, 7 months of unemployment, reunions with some great people (3 from 2 different states in particular), a lot of cheese steaks and ice cream, trips to the park, a climb up a snowy mountain, some memorable thank you notes, a few self discoveries, and so much more. I can't say that i've lacked excitement and adventure for sure.

You know, I never really know what's going to hit me, but more often than not, I know when something is coming. I get a feeling when a storm is coming my way. My intuition kicks into overdrive and I start to prepare. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Fortunately for me, my most recent upset wasn't a total surprise to me and I prepared as much as I could to bounce back.

It wasn't all peaches and cream though. Sometimes the days seemed so long and useless that a pinch was necessary for me to believe things were really as they seemed. I shocked myself because those days were still a joy to have.Prior to that time in my life, I had so many blue skies, so much lauhgter, so much love, and so much adventure. I guess I just needed an opportunity to remember to value it all again. The last 8 months have definitely given me that opportunity. All the things that were so natural to me like blue skies, lauhgter, love, and adventure weren't so natural anymore. Money was tight, everyone was doing their everyday routine except me. It was tough. Really tough at times. I value those things and I believe I always have, but it's different when it something changes in routine and you have no control over it. When you're at the mercy of someone else providing things for you. It makes me feel weak and way too vulnerable.

To be sitting here tonight in a place that I paid to stay in, driving myself around, going to my office 5 days a week, ordering food that I want to eat, going to the coffee shop that I prefer versus the one that's on the way, sitting in peace or in chaos whenever I feel like it... Those are some of the things that were taken away from me 8 months ago. Those are the things that I forgot to be thankful for on occasion. Never again though. Never again will I take anything for granted.

I'm so thankful for this year that I can't really begin to compose a sentence that's tells just how great it was... Just know that it was all just so freaking fantastic and worth it...the good and the not so good.

I read a quote once by Martha Washington that said "I've learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances."