To Upload or Not...

If I really let go, I would upload all my previous journal entries onto the internet in order to begin journaling online, and then the sh!t would hit the fan because recently I have been writing the whole truth and it ain't always pretty. When I started journaling a year ago... Well, let me go back in time to my first encounters with journaling first. I journaled as a kid (not sure what ages) off and on. I recently found a journal in the pile of stuff holding my wall hostage, and the writing just baffled me. The things that I talked about seemed to be life or death as I reading through it. So and so said that she would come over for the weekend and we could hang out, but I really wanted to go to the mall with so and so. This teacher told me I was her favorite and now some of the people in the class are not talking to me... It's not like I asked her to be her favorite. So and so asked me to borrow a pencil and he had one. Boys are so stupid. he is kind of cute, but he is not my type. I'm sure there have been more journals before last year, but I do not have them. I did find some letters (snail mail) that were sent to me from guys and girls. I don't have what I wrote them, but I can kind of tell based on what they wrote me. The typical how is life, I love you this, I'm mad about this, keep your head up this, blah - blah - blah. I can't remember doing any reflective writing in undergrad or grad school that wasn't a part of an assignment. I guess I was too busy living and not taking time to chill out for a moment and experience my experiences.

Anyway, that brings me up to date.. Well, to last year at least. I had been thinking about writing for a while... I blogged about it a little last summer, but didn't go in depth. I searched and searched for a journal that I felt connected to (IDK, I just knew when I found it), and then I didn't write in it forever and a day (about a month and a half). I was doing the blog competition, but was definitely filtering my thoughts. When I started writing, I just wrote. No real thought about what... I started each post with the date, time began and time finished...oh, and a few girly looking swirly flowers to signify the end of the entry. I have written off an on for about a year now. Some weeks I wrote a lot and some I didn't write at all. In the fall, I set a goal to go back and read at least 4 entries a month to reevaluate my thoughts. you wouldn't believe the change that has occurred in just one month. I went from writing just to write with quite a few ommissions in each post to writing my true thoughts about self, people in my life, growth, failure, future, and so much more with almost no omissions. There are still things that I have not put on paper. I hope to do that one day, but the things that I have put on paper are pretty serious business. Some about me and some about others. I think one of the main things I notice is the concept of honesty throughout the entries. What it means to me, and what I assume it means to others. It is really bizarre or surreal to read what I was thinking one year, 6 months, 1 month ago. Some of it I still feel 100% and other thoughts make me think What the crap... I think that is the beauty of writing...that you can look back and see the change or non-change in yourself, in your beliefs, in your aspirations.

Since, I'm not letting go, I will not upload my past journal entries onto any blog site, but I might start journaling online. There may be a few omissions, but if I do it...It will be from the heart. I may do it here or I may create a false identity and let it all hang out. Who knows?


~Reel Moments~

I've used this movie before, but it relates to this post...

Julia and Julie

Julie Powell: "Nowadays anyone with a crap laptop and an Internet connection can sound their barbaric yawp, whatever it may be."